How To Handle Pushy Parents

Submitted by Martha Stanley, Tallahassee, Florida

Idea posted July 21, 2004

The absolute "buck stops here" question to ask of your principal is: "Will you back me up if I am consistent and fair and show no favoritism in spite of parental pressure on me and you?" In addition, find out how the principal would like you to handle pushy parents before the school year starts.

Here are some questions I ask (sometimes repeating the question like a broken record) when a parent sounds off:

"Why would you want me to do that?"

"What good will that accomplish?"

"How will that help your child?"

"What are the lasting lessons that your child will learn?"

"How will that affect other students?"

"Do you think anybody at the college entrance board really cares what grade your child earned in fourth grade music?"

"Why is this important to you?"

"Do you have a complaint?"

"Do you have a suggestion?"

"What would it take to make you happy? (follow up) Is that in the best interest of your child?"

"Would it be acceptable to you if I did the same thing for every student as well?"

"What direct elementary school music education teaching experience do you have?" (I would say this one very non-threateningly and only if you know how to follow it up in a positive way.)

Let me point out that I approach this in my most professional, as ego-free as possible, problem-solving manner. If the parents come up with a good answer that makes sense, I change. I have no good reason to be stubborn just because the parent is pushy. I am willing to change but I am also willing to stand my ground. (I pick my battles.)

We had one mom (an assistant principal from a different school) who wanted all teachers to call her *immediately* when her darling but flighty child didn't do her homework or a project or wasn't going to make an A in any class, including special areas. I finally just looked at her and said, "I'm just not willing to do that." Her eyes got big and she dropped it. I told her that if she wanted to email me regularly to check on her daughter, that I'd be glad to return the email but that I was not going to initiate contact unless it was a real problem. There were a couple more instances where I refused when she would try to get me to do something for her child that was not appropriate, and I think we've come to an understanding.

We special areas will contact a parent if the child is in danger of dropping two letter grades, from an A to C for example.

We will be happy to send home a daily report every music day that the child walks into our room WITH the report form that requires only a check or two and the date to complete. More effort than that, no way. If the parent is a pain and unreasonably expecting too much, that's about the limit. BUT if it's a kid and parent who are really trying and really do need the daily contact, of course we do more.

We are specific about what it takes to get an "A" grade:

• The art teacher requires a specific number of points per project.
• My second through fifth graders do a special music project plus daily work.
• The PE teacher requires a written homework assignment once a week on health, nutrition, or other physical activity (i.e., a review of a football game on t.v. or a short essay on a trip to the dentist) in addition to daily work.

I require nearly everything I send home to be signed and returned. I keep track of it, and when a parent wonders why their daughter didn't get her "A" project grade, I can point out that the parent didn't return the note which was sent out four weeks earlier that had all the information on it.

Document - Post your expectations and deadlines on your website, in the school newsletter, and in notes home. Include your school email address and phone number in everything you publish, giving parents NO excuse for "I didn't know."

I have three doors the kids use in my room - the one from outside into a foyer-type space, a door into my room, and a different door that they exit through. I put signs on each door for announcements. (I laminated a pretty blue card stock paper and put it on each door. That's where I affix the announcements. The tape comes off the laminate easily when I change signs, and the blue serves as a frame.) The signs are:

There is NO excuse for the kids to miss deadlines. If they miss one and the parent complains, I just lay out the facts.